Don't Let Money Ruin Your Marriage
By Willie Batson
According to several marriage experts, money is the number one issue married couples fight about, and it’s the second leading cause of divorce, behind infidelity.
Money was sparse in the early days of our marriage. The only financial plan we had was to survive until the next paycheck. I remember when I had no cash in my wallet and was invited to join a friend for lunch. I made up an excuse for why I could not go. For my younger readers who wonder why I didn’t use a credit card, I should note this happened back in the day when credit cards were not so plentiful. Cash was king (or queen, if you prefer).
Money is more than paper, coins and plastic. It reflects what is important to us, what we value and the things we cherish most.
This ongoing struggle did not resolve until we learned how having money in my wallet was more about independence and security than about lunch with a friend. I felt like a child having to ask a parent for money. Honest communication and understanding about these hidden issues were the first steps to finding peace in our marriage. Money is more than paper, coins and plastic. It reflects what is important to us, what we value and the things we cherish most.
I once read about three generations of one family’s changing values regarding money. Frank, who was 86 years old, was committed to debt-free living. He refused to take financial risks. He paid cash for his house and once burned a credit card mailed to him. His daughter, Linda, at age 53, had a car loan and carried a credit card balance when she had to, but paid it off quickly. For Frank’s granddaughter, Jen, age 29, Grandpa’s frugal financial policy was considered obsolete. She carried a credit card debt of $8,000 and a $438-a-month car loan on a $40,000 annual income. Her comment was revealing, “I don’t think debt is a sin. I’m living in a style I want to become accustomed to.”
Financial disputes in marriage can mask larger concerns such as conflict about power and control in the relationship, differing values related to money and a host of fears associated with money for each spouse. When coaching couples, I ask them to have a conversation around money issues by simply completing several sentence stems. Maybe you would find this a meaningful exercise, too.
Start the Conversation about Money
- In my home growing up, money was…
- When I think about our financial future…
- What you may not know about money and me is…
- The thing I appreciate about you concerning money is…
- One specific action we could take right now that would help me is…
When talking about marriage and money, the bottom line is to see it as a time to pull together, not blame each other for the problems. Don’t let money ruin what’s good about your marriage.
Willie Batson, “Don’t Let Money Ruin Your Marriage,‘” The Advent Christian Witness, Spring 2021
Willie Batson equips individuals and couples with tools for building healthy relationships. He is a retired pastor, a published author, and the Lead Coach at W.C.Batson Coaching. Visit his website for more resources: www.williebatson.com