Don’t Single Us Out
by Cara Brock
There is no shortage of articles written on singleness in the church. Most suggest that church leadership fails to serve the unwed of their church or that they are seen as an oddity to be “fixed.” While I don’t doubt that these are real, valid experiences, they are not something I have encountered in any church I’ve attended.
I have not felt alienated in church because of my singleness. I haven’t felt as though people “don’t know what to do with me” or like I don’t belong. Perhaps it’s because I’m not deeply bothered by the existence of marriage classes or parents’ groups with no parallel singles’ groups. At church I don’t need to have something designed for me, I’m there to worship Christ. That being said, I still have thoughts on how churches, leaders and members alike, can serve singles.
Unify, Don’t Divide
Churches may benefit from fewer specialized ministry groups. Instead of splitting by age group, gender or marital status, keep your church body unified as much as possible. For closer fellowship, have small groups based on location or availability rather than demographics. Men’s and women’s groups certainly have their place, as often those allow for discussions that are better removed from mixed company. But having all stages of life represented in small groups or Sunday school classes can be hugely beneficial.
Putting people in a singles’ group makes us more aware of our singleness. I would much rather be grouped with people who have lived the experiences I long for, with people who are in my same life stage and with people to whom I can give wisdom. I have been deeply ministered to by older married mothers. We often learn more from those who are different than those who are similar.
See Us as Church Members, Not Singles
Singles are not monolithic. We all have different relationships with our singleness. In your church, it’s likely you’ll have a yearns-to-be-married, an indifferent-to-marriage, a rejector of marriage and a once-was-married. All bring unique viewpoints and cannot be ministered to in the same way. I long desperately to be married, so I would most benefit from someone’s counsel in how to persist in loving the Lord and service to others in times of deep, painful desire. Another has no interest in marriage but feels the pangs of loneliness and isolation. She may benefit most from regular coffee dates with some ladies from the church. The best way to minister to singles is to see them not as singles, but as church members – as mentees, as disciplers, as friends. Befriend a single and you will soon learn how best to serve her. Invite a widower to breakfast, and you will offer him the community he so greatly desires.
Remind Singles to Serve
To my fellow singles – the onus must not fall solely on the shoulders of others. Too often, we can put on a “woe-is-me” attitude and lament our solitude. The burden also falls on us to be engaged, to serve our church, to be hospitable. In many cases, it may be easier for us than a young couple with three small children and a geriatric pug to host a Bible study. It can be difficult, but to love like Jesus, we must use our season (or lifetime) of singleness well.
Ultimately, our churches would best care for our singles in the same way they care for all other members: help us to glorify God, to love others and to know that our marital status does not detract from the love of Christ in any way.
Cara Brock serves as Coordinator of Publishing and Design at ACGC.
Cara Brock, “Don’t Single Us Out,” The Advent Christian Witness, Winter 2024