How Good Leaders Handle Conflict
Blog post by Justin Nash
Conflict will confront church leaders in two distinct, yet often interrelated ways. First, leaders are often called upon to mediate conflict between other people in the church. This is a regular part of shepherding a congregation. Second, leaders will find themselves in conflict with others inside and outside of the church. Ultimately, good leadership requires hard, and often unpopular, decisions. Someone is going to be mad. To paraphrase Ed Stetzer, “If you want everyone to like you, go sell ice cream, don’t lead a church!” This second aspect of conflict will be considered in this section because as Alistair Begg and Derek Prime write, “One of the most difficult situations to face is opposition from God’s people.”[1] Here are nine principles for how good leaders handle conflict.
[1] Derek Prime and Alistair Begg, On Being a Pastor: Understanding Our Calling and Work (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2004), 277.
Good leaders don't avoid or delay dealing with conflict.
Normally, conflicts will not resolve themselves. To leave a conflict undealt with is to let it fester and poison a relationship and church. The leader’s very fitness to lead can be at stake. Jesus was clear in Matthew 5:23-24, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court…” Leaders must not delay in handling conflict. They must act decisively.
Good leaders are gracious in conflict resolution.
Being quarrelsome or harsh will not lead to a productive encounter. Paul instructs the young pastor Timothy that the Lord’s servant must “not be quarrelsome,” be “kind to everyone” and “correct his opponents with gentleness” (2 Timothy 2:24-25). In part, this will mean giving people the benefit of the doubt and not immediately ascribing to them impure, immoral or nefarious motives. The leader’s language must always be “gracious, seasoned with salt” (Colossians 4:6).
Good leaders are humble when dealing with their opponents.
Humility was Paul’s prescription for a conflict in the church at Philippi when he wrote, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). He ultimately points them to Christ and his humility as their model. Having humility will mean that the leader will give the accusation or complaint leveled against him an honest and fair hearing. The leader must not be self-righteous and defensive, but thoughtfully consider if he is wrong. Perhaps the accusation is true. If it is, the leader must repent. Leaders should adopt George Whitefield’s practice of bringing all criticisms back to God in prayer and pray Psalm 139:23-24 over each complaint.[2]
[2] Andrew M. Davis, Revitalize: Biblical Keys to Helping Your Church Come Alive Again (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2017), 125.
Good leaders practice active listening more than speaking.
James exhorts this when he writes, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). Quick speaking and slow listening will lead to anger and greater conflict. The leader must first look for understanding of the issues by asking good questions and listening without defensiveness. Speaking of what he calls empathic listening, Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”[3] Having a fair and clear understanding of the other person’s position is critical for positive conflict resolution.
[3] Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2004), 237.
Good leaders see unity and reconciliation as the goal.
The leader does not address conflict to be acquitted or proven right. The ultimate goal is reconciliation between members of God’s household. Paul reminds the Ephesians that because we have been reconciled to God, we are also to be reconciled to one another (Ephesians 2:16). Christians are to be ministers of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-21), and leaders must model this ministry.
Good leaders handle conflict privately and personally as long as possible.
Jesus said,
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church (Matthew 18:15-18).
The leader must talk to the person with whom he is in conflict, not about them, and he needs to do so privately. This is not to say that the conflict might not be handled publically at some point. Paul’s admonition of Peter in Galatians 2:11-14 is an example of this. But the leader should think about handling conflict in a series of concentric circles moving from the innermost circle (one-to-one conversation) to outer circles only as far as it is necessary.
Good leaders are governed by the law of love.
“Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law” (Romans 13:10). Love for God and love for neighbor should always be the motivation and guide for dealing with conflict. This keeps the leader’s eyes focused on the good of the other person, not himself.
Good leaders entrust themselves and the situation to the Lord.
Sometimes a leader will do all the right things, in the right way and for the right reasons and still the conflict will not be resolved in a fruitful way. Perhaps the leader is falsely accused or his character is unfairly maligned. In the end, the leader must trust the Lord to take care of him and his reputation. Writing to a church embroiled in inter-congregational lawsuits, Paul writes, “To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1 Corinthians 6:7) Once the leader has done all he can to resolve a conflict he must simply walk away with forgiveness in his heart entrusting this burden to the care of Lord believing that the Lord will care for his faithful servant.
Good leaders pray while handling conflict.
They must pray for wisdom, humility, conviction, grace, love and courage. As Andrew Davis writes,
Make it a point to obey Jesus’ command to pray for those who oppose and insult you. Pray for them by name. Pray for God to grant them repentance and the knowledge of the truth (2 Timothy 2:25-26). Read over Romans 9:1-4, and ask God to work in your heart the same level of self-denying grief that Paul had over the spiritual state of his lost opponents.[4]
[4] Andrew M. Davis, Revitalize: Biblical Keys to Helping Your Church Come Alive Again (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2017), 125.