In Dark Valleys
Feature: By Dawn Rutan
One Sunday this year, I was sitting in the prayer time before Sunday school when I felt the tears starting to flow. There was no way I could have prayed aloud without sobbing. As soon as the last “amen” was said, I hurried out the door to my car, drove the quarter mile home in a haze of tears and spent the next hour trying to pull myself together in time for the service. I could say that I left the building so that I wouldn’t disrupt any of the activities, but the truth was that I felt ashamed of crying uncontrollably for no discernable reason.
Depression has always been there
I wish I could say that was an isolated event, but I can’t remember a time when depression wasn’t a regular part of my life. Even as a child, I had times of crying for no reason, and it got worse when I reached adulthood. In college, it reached a point where I was asked to resign as a resident assistant and to meet a few times with a counselor. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-20s that I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression and started taking medication as well as seeking more frequent counseling. I’ve been on medication ever since, but I still find times when depression rears its head again, usually in the fall and winter months. I’ve tried reducing my dose a few times without success. For me (as for many people), antidepressants help to keep the worst of depression at bay so that I can function normally. My senior paper in college was on the physiological effects of antidepressants, so I knew a lot about them even before I started taking anything.
The church has tended to shame
The church has tended to shame people who struggle with depression or anxiety. We either don’t talk about it or we imply that it’s something people can get over by choice. It is a variation of the prosperity gospel that says, “If you just have enough faith you won’t be depressed.” David Murray writes, “If it is true that Christians don’t get depressed, it must mean either that the Christian suffering from depression is not truly depressed, or he is not a true Christian. But if this notion is false, what extra and unnecessary pain and guilt are heaped upon an already darkened mind and broken heart!”1 We can’t simply “think happy thoughts” and go on our merry way. Although thought patterns may contribute to depression, that’s only one piece of the puzzle. Genetics, traumatic experiences, relationships and circumstances can all play a role.
There's lament and affliction in the Bible
We tend to skim over the parts of the Bible that talk about lament and affliction. The truth is that we live in a world with broken bodies and minds that will not be fully healed in this lifetime. We’re pretty good at rejoicing with those who rejoice, but not at weeping with those who weep (Romans 12:15). Christian funerals have become “celebrations of life” instead of mourning those who have fallen asleep in Christ, but Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). My faith is far stronger as a result of having endured depression than it would be if life were all sunshine and daisies, and many other believers would say the same.
There's shame attached to depression
As one who has this recurring affliction of depression, I know the shame attached to it. When someone asks “How are you?” it’s far easier to say “I’m fine” than to admit “I’m barely holding it together today.” As I’ve developed closer friendships with a small group of people, I’m more willing to let them see that I am struggling. The best of friends are those who invite conversation but don’t force it. There are days when I want to talk to someone, but there are many days when I just want to be left alone because communication requires too much effort. Sometimes, dinner with friends sounds enjoyable – but sometimes it feels like too heavy a burden to try to be social.
There's encouragement in the stories of others
I find encouragement in the stories of others who have walked this road. Paul David Tripp said, “Anxiety and depression are very lonely experiences. If we aren’t alone, it changes the experience.”2 The biblical narratives of Elijah, Job, Jonah and others are powerful reminders that I’m not alone. King David wrote, “I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping” (Psalm 6:6). Jesus, able to sympathize with our weakness, experienced overwhelming sorrow in the garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-46).
Charles Spurgeon said, “I am the subject of depressions of spirit so fearful that I hope none of you ever get to such extremes of wretchedness as I go to.”3 Abraham Lincoln used similar words to describe his experience of depression. Zach Eswine reminds us, “In the midst of the pit we doubt that our story could matter to anyone, much less to God or to ourselves. But in truth, those who’ve traversed the howling desert have things to say that no one else really can.”4
God comforts in our affliction
I am frequently reminded that God “comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:4). We in the church need to be more willing to share our stories with one another so that we can indeed become sources of comfort for others. As I’ve shared my experiences more openly on my blogs or social media, I am encouraged by others who simply say, “Thanks, I needed this.” There are hurting people all around, and yet we often settle for superficial friendships and thereby fail to be the body of Christ with one another. Together we can walk through the deepest, darkest valleys as our Shepherd leads the way.
___
1 David Murray, Christians Get Depressed Too (Reformation Heritage Books, 2010), iv-x.
2 Paul David Tripp and David Powlison, “How to Care for Someone Battling Anxiety and Depression,” The Gospel Coalition, www.thegospelcoalition.org (May 1, 2018).
3 Charles Spurgeon, “Joy and Peace in Believing,” Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit (MTP), Vol. 12, Sermon 692.
4 Zach Eswine, Spurgeon’s Sorrows: Realistic Hope for Those Who Suffer from Depression (Christian Focus Publications) Ltd., 2014), chap. 8.
Dawn Rutan, “In Dark Valleys,” The Witness, Winter 2020