Marriages Don’t Fall Apart —They Drift Apart
by Willie Batson
John and Beth confessed how much had changed since their wedding ten years ago. The strong relational connection they once shared had given way to living like mere roommates. Their marriage did not fall apart all of a sudden. They drifted apart and thought there was no hope of restoring what they lost.
Many married couples drift apart slowly over time, failing to give their relationship the attention it requires to thrive in the busyness of life. Before they know it, their relationship is shoved a notch or two down the priority list or, in some cases, totally ignored. Emotional disconnection in marriage is a top predictor for divorce.
What were some signs that John and Beth’s marriage drifted into an emotional disconnection?
- Weariness caused by their busyness set in and led to emotional fatigue. That led to losing heart, which led to losing the will and desire to correct what was wrong.
- When they had them, their conversations were more about tasks than the things in their hearts.
- Fun and laughter went on a permanent vacation.
- Their thoughts about each other became more negative than positive.
Marital drift can be prevented, but it doesn’t happen automatically. I recommended several things to John and Beth to help them restore their connection.
Make time to connect through meaningful and respectful communication, including positive thoughts, feelings, and experiences. In marriages that drift apart, spouses share only negative emotions and critical thoughts that focus only on problems and frustrations.
Be there for each other, not only during the good times but also during times of emotional turmoil or personal crisis. Having such a friend in times of need is a wonderful source of strength and connection.
Another connection habit is to affirm one another consistently. Good friends communicate a straightforward message: “I like you, and being with you makes me feel good.” Love and acceptance are communicated regularly in loving words and small acts of kindness.
Marital drift can also be prevented as you protect the level of trust you have developed in your marriage. To deepen trust, seek to never use personal sensitivity to hurt each other when you are angry. And do not gossip about each other, which is a betrayal of marital trust.
Pursuing a connection with God as a couple is a great way to prevent marital drift. Although some people regard faith in God as private, a shared spiritual intimacy strengthens a marriage. As each spouse pursues God in a vertical relationship, they are empowered to relate well with their spouse in the horizontal relationship. Spiritual intimacy insulates a couple from drifting apart, gives them a shared purpose for their marriage, builds trust, and deepens their commitment. It can be nurtured by reading a devotional book, prioritizing time to pray together regularly, and discussing what God shows you in your spiritual pathway.
John and Beth learned that drifting apart is inevitable when a marriage is left unattended. You can give your marriage a fresh start by building time for each other into your daily schedules. You must prioritize it and make it happen, even for a few minutes.
Willie Batson loves equipping individuals and couples with tools for building better relationships. He is a published author, a podcast co-host, and a frequent speaker at churches and conferences. Visit his website at www.williebatson.com for more information.
Willie Batson, “Marriages Don’t Fall Apart – They Drift Apart,” The Advent Christian Witness, Winter 2024