My Family Is Complicated
The story of my family is complicated, but then again, few family stories are simple. My parents were married a few years after my dad had been discharged from the Army, and a few years after my mother’s divorce from her first husband.
Mom’s first husband (who I’ve never met) was an abusive alcoholic who left my mother with two kids (my half-siblings) by the time she was 22 years old. Dad had never been married, and while he was in West Germany with the Army, had received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home.
Mom and Dad got married and settled into life as family of four. A few years later, twins were born to the couple. I arrived first, and nine minutes later, my sister was born. The small home that they’d purchased suddenly become a little crowded, so a few months later, my mom and dad bought a home in another nearby suburb of one of America’s largest cities.
Money was tight with two toddlers and two teenagers in the house, so Dad worked as much overtime as he could, along with some side work to keep food on the table. Mom worked as well, waiting tables, since there were few other jobs for a woman without a college degree in those days. The stress of the family’s finances and the different work schedules began to take their toll on the marriage.
When I was around 8, my parents divorced after my dad discovered that my mom was having an affair with a friend of her first husband. Dad kept the house, and Mom got the kids. My oldest sister was on her own by this time, but my older brother was left to fend for himself at 16.
Mom, my sister and I moved in with the man who would become our stepfather. I remained close to my father, and saw him regularly as we lived in the same town, just a short distance away. We were close until the time of his death last year.
My mother eventually remarried when I was 10. When I was 14, my mom gave birth to her fifth child, my younger brother. He was the only child of my stepfather, who doted on him. I left home immediately after graduating from high school, and then moved out of state for seminary. I was not around much during my brother’s early years.
My stepfather died from colon cancer when my brother was 11, and our mother developed lung cancer and died before his 20th birthday, leaving him on his own. My twin sister was named executor of his parent’s estate, and followed their wishes in regards to the distribution of funds. While still in his early 20s, my brother inherited a sum in the low six-figures. With little parental supervision or guidance, he quickly squandered most of his inheritance, much like the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. I believe that it was during this time when he began dating both men and women, and eventually he came out to his family. None of us were surprised, as there was always something different about him as a kid.
My brother and I didn’t have much contact during this time, for a number of reasons. I was busy in a new ministry, and my young family was growing. We would occasionally see one another at family gatherings, which my sister continued to host after our mother’s death. Our values were different, and we were in different places in our lives.
Eventually, when he was out of money and options, my brother went to college, earned a degree and began his career as a paralegal in another state. His visits home became rare. He met another young man, and they began dating. My sibling and I hadn’t met his partner, but after several years of his instability, caused by his excessive drinking and suspected drug use, we were grateful that he had survived and seemed to have settled down.
In 2014, our state approved same-sex marriage, and a few years later, my brother and his partner announced their plans to be married.
As an ordained pastor, I’d officiated dozens of weddings by this time, both in the church and in other venues. My brother’s announcement presented me with a dilemma: would he ask me to perform his wedding? If so, how would I respond? If I agreed, what would the consequences be? If I declined, what fallout would that cause? Like many Advent Christian pastors, I’ve often been called on to serve as my extended family’s pastor, performing weddings and funerals along the way.
By this time, the Advent Christian Church had begun the conversation about same-sex marriage. I knew that I could not perform this wedding without consequences from the local church and conference. I decided that I would decline, in part because neither my brother nor his now husband are believers.
Thankfully, my dilemma was solved when my brother informed me that his wedding would be held in a local venue, and not a church. The officiant would be a friend of the couple’s, who had been “ordained” through one of the many websites that offer ministerial credentials for a small fee. One of the benefits of the religious liberties that we enjoy in the United States is that the government does not determine who can officiate weddings. In my county, the only requirement to sign a marriage certificate is that the officiant is authorized by some religious body to perform marriage ceremonies. This of course has led to a host of “ministers,” who are usually family members or friends of the couple who obtains a certificate of ordination on-line, for the sole purpose of officiating the wedding.
As the wedding date approached, and the invitation arrived, my wife and I were once again faced with a dilemma. Would we attend? Should we attend? Ultimately, we chose to attend the wedding. Had we refused, my fear was that this would have damaged my relationship with my brother beyond repair, and any hope of sharing the gospel with him at some time in the future would be lost. The ceremony did not include Scripture or prayer. The reception was very similar to other wedding receptions we’ve attended in the past, with the major difference being the absence of a bride.
Today, my brother and his husband live in another state, and I continue to serve in the local church. We are cordial, but not close. My hope is that at some future time we will have the opportunity to develop a closer relationship, and that I will be to share the gospel with them.
Nothing in my seminary training prepared me for the reality of having a gay family member. This was a topic that was considered off-limits, and never discussed in the classroom or elsewhere. I suspect that this is true for many churches as well. To quote a popular television show, what would you do? May God grant us wisdom in addressing this issue as a denomination, at the local church level, and as individual believers.
The author of this article, who wishes to remain anonymous, has served Advent Christian churches in three states and two regions over the last three decades.
“Family is Complicated,” The Advent Christian Witness, Fall 2023