In a bustling suburban neighborhood, Charles found himself at a crossroads in his marriage.
His wife, Emily, had embraced the modern mantra of self-care to such an extent that it began to overshadow their relationship. Emily often prioritized her yoga retreats and spa weekends over family gatherings or date nights, believing that these activities were essential for her well-being. Charles, who worked long hours, felt increasingly sidelined and unappreciated. He began to wonder if their marriage could survive this growing emotional distance. This story illustrates how self-centeredness can erode a marriage, leaving both partners feeling disconnected. It mirrors a broader cultural trend that masquerades selfishness by the virtues of self-care and self-love. As we explore this theme, we will examine how modern cultural narratives can sometimes prioritize individual desires over communal responsibilities, challenging the biblical principles of sacrificial love.
Pop Culture’s Influence On Self-Centeredness
Today, pop culture frequently glorifies characters who prioritize their own needs above others. Films like Julia Roberts’, “Eat, Pray, Love” celebrate personal growth through self-discovery journeys that involve leaving relationships behind. Similarly, the rise of self-care routines on social media reflects this trend. These narratives contribute to a cultural environment where personal fulfillment is often placed above relational harmony. At the heart of this shift is what Carl Trueman, in “Strange New World,” calls expressive individualism — the belief that true fulfillment comes from expressing one’s unique core feelings and desires. This cultural emphasis on self-expression elevates individual needs and desires, often at the expense of communal or relational priorities.
Self-love has become a central theme in modern wellness culture, often promoted by celebrities and influencers. For example, Miley Cyrus’s song “Flowers” emphasizes self-sufficiency with the line “I can love me better than you can,” reflecting a shift towards prioritizing personal fulfillment over relational commitments. While self-love can be empowering, this focus leads to neglecting meaningful connections with others and an elevation of the self over the other, including God.
Social Media and Narcissism
On social media platforms, the line between self-love and self-involvement is often blurred. Influencer culture frequently rewards narcissism with likes and follows, promoting a lifestyle that prioritizes personal image over genuine relationships. Imagine while on a date having to wait to eat dessert because your girlfriend wants a photo of her with the tiramisu for her followers. The phone is always between you. This can result in feelings of loneliness and disconnection, as individuals become more focused on themselves than on forming deep connections with others. A Facebook post my wife found asked women over 30 to give advice to younger women. This post received 11,000 comments at the time of writing this article. Some of it was relationship advice, some of it was about career, but as I read through the comments, I began to see a consistent theme: “Don’t sacrifice your feelings and happiness for anyone else,” “Choose yourself and what you want to do above everything and everyone else,” “Make yourself happy,” “Put yourself first.” These comments reflect a pervasive mindset that prioritizes individual desires over communal responsibilities. The highest ethics of this worldview are feelings being the ultimate guide and personal happiness being the ultimate goal. Scripture quickly critiques these values. But the way it’s spoken about in the culture makes it seem necessary, even ethical, to practice such behaviors, “I have to take care of myself before I can care for others, right?”
While self-care is essential for maintaining mental and physical health, it becomes problematic when it leads to neglecting relationships.
Biblical Perspective on Sacrificial Love
In contrast to the modern emphasis on self-prioritization, biblical teachings advocate for sacrificial love. Philippians 2:3-4 urges believers to “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” This principle challenges the notion that self-love comes first and emphasizes the importance of considering others’ needs. The Bible presents numerous examples of sacrificial love, most notably in Jesus Christ’s life and teachings. In John 15:13, Jesus states, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Could you imagine Jesus stating that he needed some “me time” before confronting the Pharisees, or facing his arrest in Gethsemane? In a way he did, but I’ll touch on that a little later. The kind of love Jesus is showing requires putting others before oneself — a stark contrast to the modern narrative that often equates self-care with personal indulgence.
The Tension Between Self-Care and Relationships
While self-care is essential for maintaining mental and physical health, it becomes problematic when it leads to neglecting relationships. As Trueman discusses in “Strange New World,” modern culture often prioritizes personal authenticity over communal responsibilities. What’s revealed is that authenticity is grounded in desires and appetites, not aligning one’s desires to God’s Word and repenting of our fallen nature.
This shift can lead individuals to view relationships as secondary to personal desires. However, it’s crucial to acknowledge that self-care has its place. Taking time for medical treatment, counseling or rest is necessary for well-being. The challenge lies in balancing these needs with the biblical call to love others sacrificially. True heroes are hero-made because of the sacrifices they chose.
Biblical Examples of Self-Care
During a demanding ministry, Jesus consistently practiced self-care by retreating in solitude to pray. This was not merely an escape but a deliberate act to recharge and reconnect with his Father (Matthew 14:13).
Just as Jesus modeled intentional self-care through moments of solitude and prayer, we, too, recognize the need to recharge in practical ways. Whether you’re in the ministry or raising toddlers, the importance of restoration is universal. Parents know the simple remedy for an exhausted child: a nap and a snack. This also works wonders for adults, as my wife can attest. I think the origins of this home-grown remedy finds itself in Elijah’s story — after fleeing from his enemies, Elijah won’t stop complaining. God’s prescription? Nap and a snack. Elijah was rejuvenated by food and rest provided by an angel (1 Kings 19:5–8).
These biblical examples underscore that self-care is not about indulgence but about maintaining one’s ability to serve others effectively. Jesus’ practice of withdrawing for prayer shows that caring for one’s spiritual health is crucial for sustaining a life of service.
Navigating Self-Care in a Biblical Context
To navigate the tension between self-care and relational responsibilities, Christians can look to Scripture for guidance: Scripture calls us to balance self-care with serving others (Galatians 6:2) and to prioritize relationships (Matthew 22:39), seeking wisdom in all things (James 1:5).
Returning to Charles’ Story
Returning to Charles’ story — fortunately Charles and Emily are Christians. They felt the tension between Emily’s routines and priorities every time they conflicted with family schedules. So, with much prayer, Charles broached the subject with Emily, “Honey, I’ve been trying to find a passage of Scripture that speaks to this self-care you so look forward to.” Emily’s heart sank for a moment. She wondered if Charles was going to tell her she was selfish and ask her to change. “And I found quite a few situations where even Jesus needed ‘me time’ before he was tasked with something challenging.” There was something different in his voice — gentle, kind, almost hopeful. She braced herself but softened, knowing he cared deeply for her. “Jesus would withdraw to a quiet place in solitude to pray, he would focus on his relationship with the Father.” Charles continued, “I know that being a wife, a mom and everything else in between can be exhausting. I’ve been praying about how to support you, not just physically, but spiritually too. I want to make sure your time away is really feeding your soul — not just a break, but a time to meet with God in a way that refreshes you.” “I really do need those moments to recharge,” Emily said, looking into Charles’ eyes. “But I never thought about being intentional in those moments. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, thinking about my next retreat becomes the goal, it kind of fuels my hope to get through it. Maybe I’ll shift my focus a little. I could always use more God.” Charles smiled softly. “I’ll be praying alongside you, supporting you in whatever way you need.”
Through Charles’ gentle nudging, Emily began to treat her self-care getaways as prayer retreats that grew into Bible studies, and eventually renamed them from self-care time to “God cares time.” Emily’s time went from being a point of contention to something they both prepared for and looked forward to. Emily quickly found that this new practice was so restorative, that she needed to leave less often, which made more time for her marriage and her family. Charles and Emily found themselves more energized, connected and purposeful. By prioritizing their relationship with each other and God over individual desires, they found a renewed sense of partnership.
While culture promotes self-care, Christians are called to counter this with sacrificial love. The self-care movement reorients escaping as the goal. The God-cares movement redeems that time as oriented not inwardly, toward the self, but outwardly toward our Creator.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).
If our self-care is truly motivated by selfishness, the biblical antidote is:
- Know the motivations and behavior 2 Corinthians 13:5: “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you? — unless indeed you fail to meet the test!”
- Humble yourself and put others first Proverbs 11:25: “The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.” Generosity is presented as a remedy for selfishness, with the promise that those who give selflessly will be blessed in return.
- Be generous and serve others The famous “love chapter” of 1 Corinthians 13, underscores that true love is not self-seeking but considers the well-being of others and Acts 20:35 states that “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
By aligning our lives with biblical principles, we can foster deeper relationships that reflect God’s love—ultimately leading to more fulfilling lives centered not on ourselves but on serving those around us, and those people often are the ones we love the most.
